2am now. Tossed & turned for hours ending up with me on the couch trying to sleep & not keep my wife awake. Time would pass & I would wake up feeling greater condemnation. I would try to shake out of it then try to go back to sleep, but as soon as I would close my eyes the voices came back saying, "Why try anything, it's hopeless. You are hopeless. You are unworthy, so unworthy. You are not doing anything, not making a difference. Go home! You have never made a difference doing this."
 
I said to myself out of frustration I cannot fight this alone. I went back up stairs to our bedroom, woke my wife up & asked her to pray for me because the voices would not stop.
 
This comes only 1 day after my wife & I returned from a weekend away just the 2 of us alone. It was so much fun to watch movies, play Bananagrams & Skip O. To go for a drive in the mountains, eat snacks & stop at nice place to eat along the side of the mountain. To laugh & talk about just nothingness; not the heavy things of life. I feel it has brought us to a new place of love & appreciation for each other.
 
The sad thing was that this was the first time we had been alone together for a little get away (hotel, guesthouse or resort) in almost 4 years. I knew better, having already hosted the Alpha Marriage Course & the Boundaries Course a couple of times for other missionaries. I cannot count how many times I had told other missionaries that they needed to care for their relationship with their husband or wife & to have good boundaries in place to protect their relationship.
 
I let the cares of the world & serving others take the place of our relationship. We have agreed to not let this happen again & to plan times alone more often.